December 18th 2008 Dying Inside

I lay here tonight crippled by the realism that my beautiful son passed away three weeks ago today. I still question is this reality or am I going to wake up soon from a bad dream. I am struggling to make it through every single minute. I have never really understood the full meaning of depression or panic attacks or anti-social disorder until now. I have been driven into the depths of hell and for a control freak the inability to control anything in your world is sheer disaster. I speak to myself over and over trying to gain control of myself, my emotions, my reality without success. I have always had the ability to maintain control in out-of -control situations and have prided myself for doing so. I have replayed this situation in my mind so many times I have lost count....what did I miss. I am a nurse for crying out loud I am suppose to realize when someone is this sick. I am a nurse to help people, to save people, to make a difference. This is my son what did I miss.......I can't remember missing anything. He was tired but working a lot....I discounted it as too much work, not enough sleep. I am trying desperately to take the advise of a dear friend and not let this piece eat me alive. It was from his personal experience he reached out to me knowing as a nurse I would probably do exactly that. I am trying to let this part go, as I hear my friends voice in my ear gently reminding me to do just that. I have never missed something in my life as much as I miss my son. He is such a profound part of my life, my son, my friend and I miss him so deeply I have been rendered functionless. I am having major difficulty moving forward right now. The pain is so overwhelming, not being able to call and hear his voice, give him advice or ask for his. We always guided each other through difficult times and I feel alone now facing the most difficult time of my life and he is gone. Our friendship grew so much as Zachary got older and I will desperately miss sharing many many more years with my son. He truly was an amazing kid, I always adored his big heart and genuine love for everyone. He really lived his life and grew into an amazing man. I am so proud of him and the many obstacles he has overcome and all of the achievements he accomplished in his short but wonderful life. He really deserved many more years and people here really deserved to share in his goodness for many more years. God obviously had a bigger job for him than he could accomplish here on earth. I am selfishly mad that my time with him was cut short but am very blessed to have been chosen his mom here on earth. It was truly a blessing to be his mom...good, bad and indifferent. He taught me so much about parenting, love, patience, kindness and having an open heart. I certainly could have learned a few more lessons from him had we been given the time.

Son, I sit and ponder every minute of everyday all of the treasures we were given or shared over the last 23 years. You are my hero right up to the last breath you took and still today. Your hard work and accomplishments are amazing to me. I miss you with all of my heart. I can't wait to see you again someday. I will be the one running to you with open arms waiting for your big hug and hard kisses. I miss you with all of my heart and soul. Love Mom

To the Ficco Family

Today is the celebration of a young man's life, Zachary Ficco. He fought an amazing battle and on this day, December 6, he will be remembered.

To Ronda and Tony:

We know this is going to be the hardest day for you and your family. Be encouraged to look out at the multitude of people who have been praying for Zach and you and have now come to celebrate in his life. Just as you NEVER left his side, he will NEVER leave your hearts. You gave him so much strength and stubborn will to fight this for a long time. He held on for you!!! Know that he doesn't have to suffer anymore, that his last thoughts were of you, and that he was LOVED so much by so many. The Ficco family has strength in numbers, both immediate and extended. As Dory says on 'Finding Nemo' when things looked tough and more uncertain: "Just keep swimming." Ronda I know how much you really are not fond of swimming but just take a deep breath every day and keep on living. For your family, for Zach.

Be strong Ronda & Tony and remember Zach every day in everything you do.

We love you.

Celebration of Zachary's Life

Please join us this Saturday December 6th at 11:00am at Foothills Community Church in Arvada. It is located off of 80th and Carr in Arvada, Colorado. We will celebrating Zachary's life on this day and would love for each of you to share in this celebration.

My Beatiful Son Zachary Cole Ficco

I have never felt so helpless in my life...My Valiant son gave up his fight on Thanksgiving morning at 0950. I am so proud of you son you fought like a knight before you rode off on your white horse. You are the most beautiful soul I have ever known. You have inspired me more times than I can count. We are mirror images of each other. I did not realize just how much a part of me you are until 0950 when a very large part of me died with you. You have looked over me trying to rally my strength to keep surviving. I have barley been able to leave my bed. I can't sleep I have nightmares, I don't want to be awake because my mind is crazy right now. I have found it difficult to talk, to blog, to breath, to think I might make it another minute. I know you are giving me time to grieve and you will pick me up and carry me through this horrific pain until I see the light, you will lead me to the reason for this chapter in our book. I want you to know how incredibly strong your brothers and sister and your dad have been for me. I whispered in your ear before your passing that I would take care of everybody for you not to worry and in fact they are all taking care of me. It is the inspirational words of your brothers and sister that help me take one minute at a time until I can do one hour at a time then one day, then one month. You rest in peace my beautiful son and know that I will always hold you in my heart, my thoughts and my memories. I will make good on my promise to keep your name alive and I will make it to the top of all the 14er's in Colorado as you inspired to do in your lifetime as we talked about at my birthday lunch. We thought you had many years to accomplish your goal. I love you my baby boy...my son who grew into a wonderful man. My heart explodes with pride for all you accomplished in your short life. Your story will not end here, I promise this to you. I love you with all of my heart...sleep tight. Your very proud mom.

Wednesday November 26th

Well I woke up...yes Idid catch a wink or two to hear that the WBC's increased again today from yesterdays count of 3. something to 5.7 yeah WBC's The oncologists actually look at the blood smear himself today to make sure he did not see any blast cells on the slide and he did not. This is promising news and it sounds like the chemo may be doing some good. Now the discouraging news is that Zach is and has been in complete organ failure. This is the reason for dialysis, the vent etc. The hope has been that these things will begin to work on their own with time. Today the labs showed an increase in some numbers that are concerning. His lactate is now elevated and bilirubin continues to be high >50, his Blood gases still are showing a pretty serious acidosis which is not reversing even with bicarb, his other LFT's (liver function tests) are in the normal range including the INR. Zach's blood pressure continues to fluctuate up and down dependant upon movement and whatever. It is really unclear as to why this is happening. He continues to be up 23 liters of fluid. We started to remove fluid again today which put him back on vasopressers. The fluid had to stop being removed at about a liter. I really am hoping to get some of this fluid off, it can't be doing any good. When we started removing fluid last time is when Zach's ability to get off the osc. vent happened. They started trickle feeding him again today with the hopes that we can get his gut moving again. This come with some infection risk giving the bacteria the medium to thrive and the concern for stirring up his gallbladder again, so a little scary but necessary to make headway. He is down to 50% on the vent and now we hope to be able to wean the nitric oxide off slowly without losing lung recruitment. This is where all of the extra fluid plays in, in my opinion. If we could get some more fluid off I am sure it could help in so many ways.

So here is what we need. Now everyone was praying for WBC's as I asked you to do and we rallied them. So we need to pray for organ function Lungs, Kidneys, and Liver. We also need a hct and platelet counts to stabilize So pray for these huge things I know we can make this happen with the power of prayer. Let's go Team Zach.

Okay so Zach would be telling what a dork I am by saying "Team Zach", so I am laughing right now because I have probably embarrassed him.....but this is why he loves me so much and me him. (he he)

Ronda

Funny Story

Okay so Zach has been trying to be more mechanically inclined and work on his truck when things go wrong or it needs maintenance. It is time for a brake change and he is shown how to put on new brakes and was left to complete the other three sides. He proceeds on to complete the job and didn't do a bad job. He puts the wheels back on the car and is going to take it for a spin to check out the new brakes and next thing he notices is the front tire rolling away from the truck in front of him as he is driving down the road. He of course tries to keep this top secret from his dad and calls his grandpa who helps him get the situation under control. We laughed and teased him until our stomachs hurt. He may or may not of told anybody this story so as to not get teased anymore but it is out there now for others to get a good laugh. The funny thing is once his dad found out, he told a story of when he had done the exact same thing when he was younger and Zach didn't feel so bad.

I love this kid so much and he has always given us reasons to laugh. He just cracks me sometimes he has to do everything his way and most of the time it is the hard way but is has always been interesting and sometime humerus to watch him succeed. He has so much to offer this world and his mission is not yet complete. I love you Zachary Cole. Keep fighting you will come out on top.

Ronda

All of My Wonderful Children

So I wanted to share another photo of all of my children. This was taken at a Young Marine event in which my other boys including my nephew and of course Zach's siter is in the picture too.. Zach was at this event and trying to get all of the kids not to act like goofballs and take a good picture is always a task in itself. They all look so handsome and sissy is pretty cute too.