January 1, 2009

I hope that everyone enjoyed a happy and safe holiday season. We shared time with family on Christmas Eve and Christmas. It was enjoyable but was certainly not the same without Zachary. We brought in the New year at home with my dad and our kids. It was safe and enjoyable. I have been teary eyed nearly everyday. It is so hard to do or see or hear all of the things that remind me of Zachary. Talking about him really brings me to tears. It is crazy how different people handle this type of situation. I seem to be lagging behind the rest of my family. Everyone has their days to be emotional but I certainly have them everyday. I get frustrated at myself for not seeming to handle this as well as everyone else. I unintentionally have put extra stress on my family situation by being so emotional. I wish like crazy I could just be "normal." It is so nice to see the words of encouragement and love from everyone. It helps to ease some of my pain. It also gives me strength to keep forging forth. I did not realize how losing a child could tear you into a million little pieces. It is so difficult to put all those little pieces back together. I guess it just takes time to patch it back together, this is the part that is so difficult for me. He was a HUGE part of my life and was ripped away in s short period of time. It is so difficult for me to even understand even today what has really happened. I still doesn't seem real to me, then it slaps me upside the head like a ton of bricks and I lose total control. I have decided to attempt going back to work next week 1/2 shifts to see how well I can adjust to being in the hospital setting again. I know Zachary would be upset if I did not at least try. I am scared to death for more reasons than I can count on two hands to return working as a nurse. It is my passion and I love doing my job but the thought of it frightens me nearly to death right now. My hope is I will start to feel half way normal which seems so far from the truth right now.

To you my son, I miss you more than you can possibly imagine. Life almost seems unbearable on some days without you in it. I see you in someway in each of your brothers and even in
Sissy. This helps me through to the next day. Each of them have something special to offer everyday as each of you always have. I am not sure I will ever stop missing you less as the days, months and years pass by. I am thankful that you are in a peaceful place without pain and agony. I have some sense of peace knowing I will see you again someday. I LOVE YOU MY BEAUTIFUL SON. Love Your Mom.