I hope that everyone enjoyed a happy and safe holiday season. We shared time with family on Christmas Eve and Christmas. It was enjoyable but was certainly not the same without Zachary. We brought in the New year at home with my dad and our kids. It was safe and enjoyable. I have been teary eyed nearly everyday. It is so hard to do or see or hear all of the things that remind me of Zachary. Talking about him really brings me to tears. It is crazy how different people handle this type of situation. I seem to be lagging behind the rest of my family. Everyone has their days to be emotional but I certainly have them everyday. I get frustrated at myself for not seeming to handle this as well as everyone else. I unintentionally have put extra stress on my family situation by being so emotional. I wish like crazy I could just be "normal." It is so nice to see the words of encouragement and love from everyone. It helps to ease some of my pain. It also gives me strength to keep forging forth. I did not realize how losing a child could tear you into a million little pieces. It is so difficult to put all those little pieces back together. I guess it just takes time to patch it back together, this is the part that is so difficult for me. He was a HUGE part of my life and was ripped away in s short period of time. It is so difficult for me to even understand even today what has really happened. I still doesn't seem real to me, then it slaps me upside the head like a ton of bricks and I lose total control. I have decided to attempt going back to work next week 1/2 shifts to see how well I can adjust to being in the hospital setting again. I know Zachary would be upset if I did not at least try. I am scared to death for more reasons than I can count on two hands to return working as a nurse. It is my passion and I love doing my job but the thought of it frightens me nearly to death right now. My hope is I will start to feel half way normal which seems so far from the truth right now.
To you my son, I miss you more than you can possibly imagine. Life almost seems unbearable on some days without you in it. I see you in someway in each of your brothers and even in
Sissy. This helps me through to the next day. Each of them have something special to offer everyday as each of you always have. I am not sure I will ever stop missing you less as the days, months and years pass by. I am thankful that you are in a peaceful place without pain and agony. I have some sense of peace knowing I will see you again someday. I LOVE YOU MY BEAUTIFUL SON. Love Your Mom.
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Ronda,
ReplyDeleteI've been thinking about you guys alot lately--wondering how you're making it through the holidays. I can only imagine how difficult it's been.
Please don't be too hard on yourself about how you're feeling. The pain you are going through is something that all of us, as parents, fear because we cannot fathom its depth. I think there are many of us who wish we could take a little piece of that pain away just so you wouldn't have to feel it so deeply. And you know, it is okay to cry, to be angry, to feel cheated, to be sad--that's all part of grieving. Grief has no timetable--you'll all experience it in your own way and have your ups and downs at different times. I think it's natural for you to have a harder time because there is nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child. But I also think that your family grieves for more than Zach--they also grieve for you because you are having such a difficult time and because you will never be the same--your life has been forever changed. And you all grieve for the family as it once was, knowing that you can't ever have that back. All you can do is support each other and know that there are many people around you who will support you in any way we can.
From your blog and the stories at the memorial service, I have learned three things from your son, whom I never had the chance to meet: 1) to care about others and reach out to those in need, 2) to live life to the fullest, and 3) to find ways to overcome life's challenges. I am sure these are things you came to expect of him, and I have a feeling that he would expect no less of you. You are making a great first step by returning to work--draw on the strength he had to help you through it. Honor him by living his dreams, meeting his goals, and letting everyone know that the world is a better place for having had your son in it. You will get through this Ronda--one minute, one hour, one day at a time.
Linda Hill
Ronda,
ReplyDeleteI'm happy you are returning to work, you know in your heart this is what Zach would want. Take it one day at a time, baby steps, trust in God he will help you through this. Ronda I was praying for you and the Lord gave me psalm 84 read it if you would like. Ronda Auntie and I pray for you and the family every day much love to everyone.
Uncle David
I dont stop thinking about you I am so sad you are gone. I miss you buddy.
ReplyDeleteRonda:
ReplyDeleteI was reading CNN.com this morning and came across these articles that made me think of you/your situation. I know that this has been life-shattering for you, but I think that it's nice for you to know that you are not alone, and there's nothing wrong with you.
http://www.cnn.com/2009/HEALTH/01/05/bereavement.death.travolta/index.html
http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/library/grief/MH00036.html
http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/library/complicated-grief/DS01023.html
Zach often talked with me about climbing the fourteeners. You mentioned it before, and sounds like a great thing for you to do a couple this summer. I'm know there's a lot of people who would love to go with you (me included!)
My thoughts are with you...
Dawn Post
RN, MICU@Denver Health
Wow, what a beautiful comment Linda wrote, she is sooooo right!! We all hurt for you.. and Tony and the kids.. A day doesn't go by that I don't think about you and have a pang in my heart.. We are here and we will never quit being here! All our love
ReplyDeleteStan and Melissa
I know I have no idea what your going through with the loss of Zach, I know how I felt when your Grandpa died I was very close to him but he was very sick just like Zach. Once he passed and I got to see him at the hospital, he was smiling from ear to ear not to be on Oxygen and a 50 foot hose. At that moment I felt the presence of God and knew he was in a much better place. I don’t know if I ever told you but your Grandpa told me that day he was going home to be with the Lord, and he made sure I was there when he left he would not let me go home. Your Grandpa died in my arm’s at 8:35pm on July 20, 1988 the same way Zach passed with his whole family present. Ronda I’m writing this to try and give you peace, Zach is at the right hand of God and fishing with his Great Grandpa and maybe playing cribbage your Grandpa loved that game.
ReplyDeleteRonda I know you’re struggling with why but it’s a fact God only takes good people to heaven, I know Zach is looking down on you and he is very concerned about you, Ronda you know Zach would not want you to forget about his siblings our his Dad they need you too, and I think Zach is really sad to see you not helping others as a nurse. That was his dream to be a nurse just like his Mom it’s your job Ronda don’t let Zach down. I know how hard it is but you really need to get up and make Zach proud of whom you are. Ronda if you need help get it don’t try to do this on your own it doesn’t work. God grant me the serenity to change the things I can and to except the things I can’t. Ronda I Love you with all my heart loosing Zach was a blow to all of us, but you have so much more to loose get up and make Zach proud be that Mom who will not forget but will carry on in his name, you have one hell of a lot of 14teeners to climb that’s a promise you made to Zach you can’t climb if you are down get up lil buddy I’m behind you 100%. Love you make us all proud we need you to return. This I pray in Jesus name, Lord please help Ronda and her family in this time of need bless each and everyone of them give them comfort and direction and make each day less painful then the last. In the blood of Christ this I pray Amen
Love you Uncle
Ronda,
ReplyDeleteI know I have no idea what your going through with the loss of Zach, I know how I felt when your Grandpa died I was very close to him but he was very sick just like Zach. Once he passed and I got to see him at the hospital, he was smiling from ear to ear not to be on Oxygen and a 50 foot hose. At that moment I felt the presence of God and knew he was in a much better place. I don’t know if I ever told you but your Grandpa told me that day he was going home to be with the Lord, and he made sure I was there when he left he would not let me go home. Your Grandpa died in my arm’s at 8:35pm on July 20, 1988 the same way Zach passed with his whole family present. Ronda I’m writing this to try and give you peace, Zach is at the right hand of God and fishing with his Great Grandpa and maybe playing cribbage your Grandpa loved that game.
Ronda I know you’re struggling with why but it’s a fact God only takes good people to heaven, I know Zach is looking down on you and he is very concerned about you, Ronda you know Zach would not want you to forget about his siblings our his Dad they need you too, and I think Zach is really sad to see you not helping others as a nurse. That was his dream to be a nurse just like his Mom it’s your job Ronda don’t let Zach down. I know how hard it is but you really need to get up and make Zach proud of whom you are. Ronda if you need help get it don’t try to do this on your own it doesn’t work. God grant me the serenity to change the things I can and to except the things I can’t. Ronda I Love you with all my heart loosing Zach was a blow to all of us, but you have so much more to loose get up and make Zach proud be that Mom who will not forget but will carry on in his name, you have one hell of a lot of 14teeners to climb that’s a promise you made to Zach you can’t climb if you are down get up lil buddy I’m behind you 100%. Love you make us all proud we need you to return. This I pray in Jesus name, Lord please help Ronda and her family in this time of need bless each and everyone of them give them comfort and direction and make each day less painful then the last. In the blood of Christ this I pray Amen
Love you Uncle